Help! My Boss is Flirting With Me

boss flirting by Kaitlin Madden and Rachel Farrell, Special to CareerBuilder


Sometimes it seems like not everyone got the memo about taboo behaviors in the workplace. The girl who excitedly plans her wedding over the phone in the middle of the day didn't get the memo. The guy who wears so much cologne that you swear he moonlights at a perfume counter didn't get the memo. And your overtly flirtatious boss certainly didn't get the memo, either.

While the first two examples are annoying, the final one is annoying, rude, awkward and counterproductive. A flirtatious boss can mean an uncomfortable workday and a desire to avoid the one person you probably need to be interacting with on a regular basis while on the job. In order to regain your sanity and a reasonable level of comfort at work, it's necessary to diffuse an overly-friendly boss situation ASAP.

There are times when simply ignoring the unwanted advance is enough to stop the situation. "Act like you don't even hear it," says Karen Jones, an author who's experienced more than one flirtatious boss in her career. "Maintain eye contact and keep up the conversation. If you pretend to not understand and refuse to rise to the bait they usually back off."

Unfortunately, though, not everyone gets the hint that they're being ignored or that their advances are unwanted, so additional steps may need to be taken to quell a flirting boss. Here, the do's and don'ts of responding to a flirting boss:


Do: Be direct

Flirtation that may initially seem innocent enough can quickly escalate to harassment levels, so it's important to remedy the situation before it gets out of hand says Dennis Golden, CEO of IM-Safe, LLC., a training and education firm that teaches women self-defense. "The advice we give is to address the problem with a firm clear response, indicating [that you] do not appreciate the actions," Golden says.

It can be tough to address your boss straight on, but Golden says that this is a necessary step to take in order to prevent the situation from escalating -- especially for women. "Women by nature are nurturing and often tend to tolerate flirting in the hope it is innocent or will go away," he says.

Echoes Lynn Taylor, a national workplace expert and author of 'Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant': "The moment you detect inappropriate behavior, questions or statements, make sure your response conveys disapproval. Your pursuer may become increasingly aggressive and your 'shyness' may be taken as consent."


Don't: Disregard your self worth

Don't start believing that your success in the workplace is a result of your boss's affinity toward you, reminds Taylor. "You are there on your own merits, and if you start believing otherwise, you may lose confidence in your abilities. That could hurt your self-esteem and even affect you in your next job. Ensure that you're always taking your career to the next level."


Do: Be tactful

Though it's important to confront your boss directly, it's also important to remember that you have to continue working for this person, so a tactful approach is key. "Express your discomfort in a gracious way that doesn't condemn [him or her]," says Irene Levine, Ph.D., a professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. "Instead, take responsibility yourself. For example, you might say, 'I always prefer to maintain a strictly business relationship at work. I know you're kidding around but it makes me feel uncomfortable.'"


Don't: Spend time alone with your boss

If the mere thought of confronting your boss face-to-face makes you feel uncomfortable and anxious, or if you've confronted your boss and he or she is still coming on to you, try to minimize the time you spend together one-on-one, in favor of group settings.

"Be jovial, but keep your distance," says Dr. Tina Tessina a psychotherapist and author of 'Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That can Ruin your Marriage.' "Never be alone with this man, if you can help it. If he's called on it, he can say you encouraged him, so you want to make it clear that you are not. If he calls you in to his office, try leaving the door open."

Though it may sound obvious, avoiding situations where you're alone with your boss is one of the easiest ways to prevent uncomfortable situations.


Do: Drop a not-so-subtle hint

Your boss may be less likely to flirt with you if he or she knows you have a significant other. A subtle but clear way to drop the hint? Jo Murray, owner of Jo Murray Public Relations, offers this tactic that has worked for her: "Tell [your boss] you respect his opinion enormously and you need his help. Your husband/boyfriend has a birthday coming up, and you would like his advice on a gift. It works even better if it's an older boss. I used this several times as a young woman, and it was fantastic. Of course, it doesn't really matter whether you have a boyfriend, much less whether it's his birthday," Murray says.

Additionally, adds Tessina, "Frequently ask him how his wife and children are, if you know he has a family."

This advice is just as applicable to male workers with flirtatious female bosses, as well.


Don't: Dress inappropriately

"Conservative work apparel is a good overall policy for career advancement, but when faced with this situation, it's imperative," Taylor says. "You don't want to send mixed messages to the person with whom you're spending most of your workweek."


Do: Look into your office's sexual harassment policy

If you've tried handling the situation yourself to no avail, look into your office's sexual harassment policy, advises Tessina. "If all the distancing fails, and he persists, you can quietly but firmly say, 'Mr./Mrs. X, I believe the company has a sexual harassment policy. I'd hate to have to use it.' Before you do that, you might want to inquire of human resources what the policy is, just to be informed. If even that doesn't work, then you have no recourse but to report it."


Don't: Waver

A tenet of encouraging good behavior with humans of any age is consistency. "If your boss wants good project results from you, then he or she must behave appropriately. If you're inconsistent about that rule, you're saying, 'Treat me poorly, and I'll still work hard for you,'" Taylor says. "As you prolong and reward inappropriate behavior, you're suggesting that your work is secondary to the romantic relationship that your boss has placed as a misguided priority."


Next: Sexual Harassment Still Pervasive in the Workplace


Kaitlin Madden and Rachel Farrell research and write about job search strategy, career management, hiring trends and workplace issue for CareerBuilder.com. Follow @CareerBuilder on Twitter.

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38 Comments

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Aerin

I am amused by the idiots advising you to get evidence and sue. 1. It's not that easy to get evidence and videotape is probably against company rules and puts you in the wrong to start with. 2. Asking someone to testify for you is asking them to risk their job. It can be asking a lot. 3. If you sue, the company will come up with SOME reason to fire you. 4. Having sued, unless you collect enough so that you don't have to work again - unlikely, believe me - you are going to be a most unwelcome applicant in any other company and don't expect a glowing recommendation from the company you sued. You are better off trying to defuse the situation.

February 15 2011 at 2:23 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Dan

Why should a flirting boss ever scare you or make you uncomfortable? Are you afraid that person is going to rape you?

Legitimate question. I'm a guy and I've never encountered a situation with a female boss because women in high roles are pretty rare in most businesses, but in the event I did, I couldn't see myself becoming fearful or letting it get me down. If anything I'd just see it as a little ego boost and continue on with my work. Big deal.

February 15 2011 at 1:22 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Ken

Men can be idiots when placed in a position of power, but women can send the wrong message in the way they dress and interact with their male boss.

Never ever be alone with with your boss, wheather male or female, always have another person with you or meet in a public area.

This protects the employee and the supervisor, keep conversations strictly about business, do not get into personal discussions as they may give the wrong idea.

Keep your hands to yourself, do not touch an employee or boss, no hand on the shoulder, or shoulder rub. the boss can get his own coffee and lunch, if you go out to lunch with the boss make sure everyone he supervises is also going.

I have been in management for 35 years and have seen women who flirt with the boss, wear clothing that shows excessive cleavage, and offer shoulde massages.

forgetaboutit! The flirts and excessive cleavage women I told to dress and behave professionally or be let go. Those who didn't were gone, as a boss not only is your job on the line, your personal home life can be ruined the workplace is not someplace for cruising, you can cause resentment and complaints from other employees.

Women keep your warm inviting smile for your husband/boyfriend, men keep your hands and rematks to yourself. Do the job you were hired to do, the company will prosper and so will you.

February 15 2011 at 1:20 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Pahos

I can't remember the last time that one of my employees didn't flirt with Me?
Big Deal...
It's a friendly office thing. Most Men and Woman have a Work Husband or Wife, if not they just aren't worth keeping in a high powered, competitive work place.
Putting a camera in a PRIVATE Co., much less a Govt. Agency.
Are you kidding me? You would be fired immediately.
We have policies against recording voice, removing even copies of files, and unwanted video of anyone, for any purpose, period.
Hint folks, you aren't the Police or a Super Spy, stop trying to act like one!
If a little office kidding, Both ways disturbes you? Go back to your Amish Farm...

February 15 2011 at 12:23 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
bill

Tell him you're thrilled, that you haven't had a date since you got the warts burned off the second time and they came back like a mushroom farm.

February 15 2011 at 11:48 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
John

If my boss was Pretty and had breasts the size of watermelons, she can flirt with me for eternity. My wife knows this. Just so long as I don't act on it.

February 15 2011 at 11:39 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
ROBERT

IF YOU ARE GOING TO FLIRT WITH HER , MAKE SURE SHE HAS CLEAN TEETH ? CUZ IF SHE DON'T TAKE CARE OF THEM , SHE DON'T TAKE CARE OF OTHER THINGS BELOW THE WAIST

February 15 2011 at 11:27 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
jaba

It is most important to document every incident, with the location, time and date. If you have someone witness this behavior, document their name, as well. When you finally have to go to human resources, you will be well-armed. Be tactful in warding off advances, and do not fear the individual. You are in your right, and companies will respond against the one making the advances for fear of a lawsuit.

February 15 2011 at 11:21 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
tom

Start the rumor that you have a venereal disease and watch them stay at least 3 feet away from you at all times.

February 15 2011 at 11:19 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Bo

When i was younger I had no problem with putting out for the boss. Now I am his senior executive secretary earning $68,000. We were both discreet and no one was ever the wiser. I am now 51 and still like to tango once in a while.

February 15 2011 at 10:58 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
2 replies to Bo's comment
tom

Somehow I find you comment to be a lot of Bull----. Good story though. Where did you see it, on the oxygen network?

February 15 2011 at 11:24 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Kat

Whatever floats your boat.

February 15 2011 at 11:32 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply

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